Over a cup of tea on a rainy day
Hi Our Darling...
I can't believe that we're 15 weeks along...it makes me so, so happy to picture you floating around inside of me. Sucking your wee thumb, able to sense light, now. You are a winter gestation baby, but I promise to bare my belly as much as this winter to give you all the light that I can--give your circadian rhythms a head start.
The light today is filtering through a gray sky--your father's favorite kind of sky. I can sometimes see that layer of Viking within him and I wonder if you will be the same. If you will be able to sleep with the light on, be red-orange colorblind and able to pick out animals in the woods, despite all their efforts to camoflauge themselves. If you will be like the two of us--ever so peaceful in the woods, just walking and noticing. Or maybe your daily habits will desire an urban setting, subways, buses and late nights in SoHo. Or...maybe you will be a Suburban Child (gasp! so unlike us...right now).
Whatever, whichever, wherever...my goodness, will we love you so very much. I was so afraid, before. I was afraid I wouldn't manage motherhood because of the depression and feelings of isolation. I was afraid I would try to change you into something you weren't. I was afraid you might break my heart! My childhood--while not terrible--very stifling. I wanted to talk, communicate, share, explore--I never felt I could do those things without feeling limited by what I thought I should be doing to not shame the family. To be the "right" kind of child. At some point these past few years, those fears disappeared. I found the confidence I wish I'd had earlier in life, but at the same time, what a blessing to find it at all! Child of our hearts, we will have such a good time together...I miss you already, anticipate you--
