Brellow Fish

I should start writing here again

2010-07-19T10:53:00.000-05:00

Because everyday is something new with you, and I don't seem to make it to the handwritten journal, these days.

I love you, Alexander. Toddler, now! I can't believe it...

Baby

2009-03-29T20:43:00.001-05:00

4/28/2009

Baby, you're here...we're with you.

Baby, you're here...we're in love with you!

Visitors, thank you.

Dancing Baby

2009-03-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

Last night, I sang and sang to you because it just felt right. Lo and behold, you started to dance in my belly! I stopped singing, you stopped moving. I started singing, and there you went, again!

We've had some quiet, garden days, haven't we? I've stopped listening to people's advice on how to make you "come out" sooner, faster, induce labor...you will know when you're ready. All that I might have missed had I kept sitting around, just waiting...we're still participating with each other!

Love you so much, and dad...oh, dad has so many plans for you. Many which involve lots of exasperated sighs and eye-rolling from mom. But all good fun--I can't wait to see what kind of buddies you turn out to be!

36-37 Weeks

2009-03-09T16:21:00.001-05:00

You've dropped, lots of false labor...any time now, eh, little Brellow?

They say that the closer to the due date, the less movement. Well, little man, you certainly have proven them wrong! And, we know that you really, really don't like having your heartbeat listened to--the nurse last week said you were ornery. I love it. Are you already aware? Certainly, I hope to not train out of you the immediate expression of your feelings on things. Beautiful baby. My little fish.

Dad has been murmuring the promise of sandwiches to you in the evening. You and your dad, sitting together, munching and having a talk about your day. I look forward to that, my guy.

Our guy! Soon, dad will be able to hold you, as well!

We're at 34 weeks, baby...

2009-02-20T21:13:00.002-06:00

Little one...

We made it to 34 weeks! They say you have a 99% chance of surviving if born, now! And you're moving so much...I feel you with me, always. Even the painful moments...I don't mind.

Soon, you're kicking right now! Soon...

I can't wait to bundle you up, diaper you, sniff you...I can't wait to see you holding hands with dad, sleeping...

Take your time, but we both know time inside is coming to an end, don't we?
My little fish...you're now a BrellowBoy!

Dear Baby!

2009-02-11T12:44:00.005-06:00

I write to you, little Baby B, but it seems more and more I write to you in my journal, and not here...

Is it because holding a pen feels more intimate than typing in between emails? You've been kicking so much, lately--I'm so aware of your presence that we have lots of audible conversations. Lucky that dad doesn't think (or expresses aloud) how crazy this might be, but I have no doubt that I am not alone in this, pregnancy-wise. How could anyone NOT talk back? (Kick) "yeah, mom--that was a good sandwich! (Kick) "Where's my drink? I'm thirsty!" How I interpret your kicks is not unlike a magic 8-ball. It depends on my mood.

The weather has warmed up quite a bit, and you really enjoyed our time outdoors yesterday! Mama's back is just killing her, but we managed some time in the lawn chair, sunbathing in that 70-degree weather, didn't we?

Soon, you can see all this for yourself, as well as the little ladybugs we've been hosteling in a jar with apple peels. They are a bit too eager for spring, but when you arrive, we'll release them together. How does that sound?

We're together, still, my Little Brellowfish!

2009-01-24T22:23:00.001-06:00

29/30 weeks? I can't believe it--the end of our journey, nested the way you are inside of me...we are closer to the end than we are to the beginning at this point. Where did the time go? After 36 weeks, any labor that starts will be allowed to continue. That sounds so official! 35 weeks and 6 days, no dice. But 36 weeks...

Take your time, little Brellowfish...we can't wait to smell your hair, kiss your wee feet, whisper secrets. Dad has undoubtedly already impressed you a great deal--your kicks are most enthusiastic when he's around! That said, take your time. Take the time you need in order to be a healthy little Fish when you emerge. The discomfort is nothing, truly. Don't worry one whit about any of that--just be you and what you need.

Love,
Us

Dear Brellowfish, at 28 Weeks...

2009-01-12T02:02:00.000-06:00

Oh, an early morning, just you and me, little fish. Your Dad had a tough weekend, and he slumbers away, which makes me glad. The house feels so good! It always feels good to be home, but the quiet time feels extra-special today.

I worked into late last night--a bit naughty, staying up until 2am, but I do that, little Brellowfish. Mama is a bit intense, sometimes--very focused. But the entire time I worked, I was aware of your presence. You refused to be ignored! You've been active and kicking for some time, now, but seeing it expressed through my belly is still amazing to me. After I went to bed, finally, you were still kicking up a storm. I put my hands on my stomach and gently pressed back. And you responded in kind...kick! Kick!

Sometime after 32 weeks, the midwife said that Dad may be able to hear your heartbeat using a toilet paper tube. For fun, he tried, yesterday. No heartbeat, but when he removed the tube and put his ear to my belly, there you were, again! Kicking, as if to say, "Yes, I know you're out there! I can't wait!" Or maybe, "Hey, this is MY space!"

Who knows--you'll have to tell us, sometime. My gosh, we can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Mom and Dad

A New Year

2009-01-01T23:04:00.001-06:00

A new president, a new person...I hope you are well, Little Baby B. Our Brellowfish.

The holidays were stressful, and you let me know by kicking and hiccuping through most of the festivities. That, combined with back spasms from standing too long, talking to people I didn't know and missing out on good family time made for one grouchy mama. I was asked afterwards, after all the gifts, "Wasn't it worth it?"

I have to say, my little guy, that at some point in your life, you might think your mama is a bit odd. Can you put a pricetag on quality time with family? I'm so, so happy for you to have all these lovely things, but you were so fortunate to have plenty to begin with--all those lovely pre-loved items, already well washed, softened from use...and if we had to worry about dyes and chemicals in cloth, hopefully most of those are gone, too! You had plenty before, and have plenty, now. I know Dad and I will find a way to put those giftcards to good use, but I wonder about how much money was spent on food. On how much I had to spend on a chiropractor to set everything straight (no Target giftcard for that!), on how little time we had with the Big Family (you will meet them, no doubt!), on how the money and time spent on food probably equated to the amount we received in gifts, on how stressed I might have made you, with my holiday tiredness.

I wish I had the personality to have handled all this better, My Little Guy, but mama's personality was not a consideration, so it all has to be appreciated in retrospect. I'll feel better after the next prenatal exam, when they tell me you are right on target. I love you so much...

Me.

26 weeks

2008-12-30T00:19:00.000-06:00

25 Weeks

2008-12-22T00:16:00.000-06:00

This little light of mine...

2008-12-16T22:53:00.002-06:00

My Dear Baby,
My Third Point in My Universe...

This photo is of the full moon, the closest it has been to earth in 15 years. As a moon in general, that is.

The next time this happens, you'll be 7 years old. It will be November. You might see your breath if we're outside, viewing it. It might be cold. At any rate, I hope I remember this event in 8 years...

And maybe I'll be able to hold your hand for a moment while we look, before your dad fascinates you with the inner workings of a telescope.

Love you, my guy--

24 Weeks

2008-12-10T09:58:00.001-06:00

Dear Little One at 23 Weeks

2008-12-04T15:42:00.002-06:00

Hi there, my little guy. I've been thinking about you a lot lately. Actually, I'm always thinking about you--I wonder if your dad is tired of my knowing looks, my secret smiles, holding my belly and talking to you. But this week really marks the start of not being able to ignore you. On Sunday morning, after I rolled onto my back for a moment to stretch, your little foot or arm kicked out so hard you made the band of my pajama pants jump. Yay for you!

This is just me being me, but I hope you don't mind being this loved. I know, someday a hug from your mom and all those kisses will be something you duck away from when you're older. But. How lucky am I to have you these first years...how many years before you decide that all this adoration is a hindrance to your manliness? I will try not to count down the days in my head, and cherish each moment, each sniff of your baby head, chubby little toddler hands helping me roll dough to make bread. Little feet padding down the hall to find daddy. Oh, I'm already so teary-eyed just thinking about it. But I am so amazed to love this much.

Mommy

22 Weeks

2008-12-01T03:04:00.002-06:00

22 Weeks, originally uploaded by This Wee Life.

See, here? You kicked so hard this morning, I could see the band of my pants move! I waited for you to do it again, and sure enough--you did!

You dad hasn't been sleeping well, lately, so I thought, should I wake him up? Well, of course I should. So I did, and well...you little stinker. You swam to the back of my uterus and hid there, kicking still, but out of reach from your father (oh, you sneaky smart one!).

22 weeks...you can hear fairly well, now. Maybe you will listen as we sing Happy Birthday to Daddy on Tuesday. What do you say? Are you up for some Korean food and chocolate cake?

21 Weeks

2008-11-26T23:15:00.003-06:00

Week 21, originally uploaded by This Wee Life.

My Dear Little Guy,

Someone said that I wasn't gaining enough baby weight.

I beg to differ--you are doing a marvelous job enlarging your habitat and making space. Keep up the good work!

Love,
Mom and Dad

Now, we have to chat about this Food-Thing

2008-11-21T22:10:00.002-06:00

I know, I know...it's week 21 and we are starving. But really, the room you take up--I am not sure where the impression of pregnant women tearing through a buffet came from, but I feel a bit cheated when we go out for Indian food. At any rate, the amount of Indian food I'm eating during this pregnancy ensures us that you will be not a creamy brown/yellow color, but rather, a nice turmeric hue!

Sometimes I won't be enough...

2008-11-16T15:45:00.001-06:00

I can't explain how my brain works, little Brellowfish, but for whatever reason, I have these flashes of you in my head--scenarios where you need me, or need something that I can't give you. One involves your Dad convincing you to beg for macaroni and cheese with mustard (tsk tsk--shame on your father). The most recent one is consoling you over your first broken heart. Oh dear...and my own broken heart because I just love you so much. But there is always going to be some pain in your life, no matter what I do, and of course, I know that when you're a teenager, you won't want to confide in mom, and even if you did, nothing I say will be able to fix it. So. If you're reading this many years later, my little guy, some advice from M. Ward that might be more consoling than a hug from your own mom, because that is just how it is sometimes:

I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met a old, old man
beneath a weeping willow tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he sang for me this song

See I once was a young fool like you
afraid to do the things
that I knew I had to do
So I played an escapade just like you
I played an escapade just like you
I sailed a wild, wild sea
climbed up a tall, tall mountain
I met an old, old man
he sat beneath a sapling tree
He said now if you got some questions
go and lay them at my feet
but my time here is brief
so you'll have to pick just three

And I said
What do you do with the pieces of a broken heart
and how can a man like me remain in the light
and if life is really as short as they say
then why is the night so long
and then the sun went down
and he played for me this song

I saw you!

2008-11-08T14:05:00.001-06:00

Oh, my little fish...I saw you! AND, I now know you aren't going to be another brown girl, as Dad and I often thought. You're going to be a VikaPino! We are thrilled beyond belief, and somehow, that small knowledge has inspired me to start on your bedroom, even though you'll be with us the first year. For some reason, I didn't feel the draw to this whole nursery decorating business...now I'm researching, and I hope you love it.

Oh, and if for some reason, when you're 4 and suddenly aware of your power to change things, you decide you want something different, no worries. Mama will be happy to slop paint on the walls with you.

Love you, little fish. Love you so, so much...

Baby, you were there!!

2008-11-04T13:40:00.002-06:00

OBAMA '08 VOTE CHANGE, originally uploaded by xtrapop.

Baby, fall is here!

2008-10-30T23:04:00.001-05:00

Each and every day is so special. These last days of fall are the last I'll spend with just your Dad and I--that is special. Next year, these last days of fall will be your first! How special that will be, too. By then, you will be almost 7 months old, instead of your current 17 weeks! You will be able to see these colors at 7 months, see what Mommy calls "Fire Maples," and you will be able to pick up leaves in your tiny hand and crush them with us. Crunch them, squish some fall soil, shelter in our chests from those blustery fall winds...

It is amazing.

Brellow Fish Habitat

2008-10-25T14:10:00.000-05:00

Happy 15 weeks, Baby!

2008-10-17T11:05:00.003-05:00

Over a cup of tea on a rainy day

Hi Our Darling...

I can't believe that we're 15 weeks along...it makes me so, so happy to picture you floating around inside of me. Sucking your wee thumb, able to sense light, now. You are a winter gestation baby, but I promise to bare my belly as much as this winter to give you all the light that I can--give your circadian rhythms a head start.

The light today is filtering through a gray sky--your father's favorite kind of sky. I can sometimes see that layer of Viking within him and I wonder if you will be the same. If you will be able to sleep with the light on, be red-orange colorblind and able to pick out animals in the woods, despite all their efforts to camoflauge themselves. If you will be like the two of us--ever so peaceful in the woods, just walking and noticing. Or maybe your daily habits will desire an urban setting, subways, buses and late nights in SoHo. Or...maybe you will be a Suburban Child (gasp! so unlike us...right now).

Whatever, whichever, wherever...my goodness, will we love you so very much. I was so afraid, before. I was afraid I wouldn't manage motherhood because of the depression and feelings of isolation. I was afraid I would try to change you into something you weren't. I was afraid you might break my heart! My childhood--while not terrible--very stifling. I wanted to talk, communicate, share, explore--I never felt I could do those things without feeling limited by what I thought I should be doing to not shame the family. To be the "right" kind of child. At some point these past few years, those fears disappeared. I found the confidence I wish I'd had earlier in life, but at the same time, what a blessing to find it at all! Child of our hearts, we will have such a good time together...I miss you already, anticipate you--

with the slow, contemplative disposition of a thousand years

2008-09-16T20:07:00.005-05:00

Greetings, brellowfish. Your mother has been much more active than I at this--but my late entry into this project is not a sign of disinterestedness, it is merely my way. Your mother is active, moving, creative, possessing and eminating an energy that moves things forward even when they don't realize they're sitting still. It is a powerful presence that I'm sure you'll enjoy. I'm not as fast into new things (again, not from lack of interest) and tend to think and re-think an action in a new arena, even when I would be better served by simply immersing myself in the event. When I do act, it is decisive, as you will see. Now, enough with presenting my apologies for being late to the game--but it's best you understand how we both work so that you know how to interpret us.

You have been giving me many things to smile about (aside from just your ever-nearing emergence), the most enjoyable of which is the constant cravings you are causing your mother. I like that you are often craving things that I do. Another fun event is the seemingly uncontrollable attachment that our youngest cat Sadie has to your mother now. Sadie was always a friendly and loving cat to us, but her new obsession with your mother makes us wonder if she knows you're there. Given that, in general, Sadie is not fond of people other than us, you should feel very lucky that she may already know you're on the way and decided you are an acceptable addition.

I wonder what you are thinking in there. I wonder what you'll think when you're old enough to share your thoughts--be patient, I'm sure you'll be thinking long before you can express what you're thinking, but we'll be here when you can.

A Disjointed Week

2008-09-12T20:50:00.002-05:00

Hey there, Baby B--this week was probably a weird one for you. I think there was another hormone surge--I just couldn't find anything I wanted to eat! We were so bored with food, you and I. And then the hormone surge made everything feel not quite right. Things are better today--starving, a little happier and some self-obsessed time rubbing my belly, knowing that you're in there.

Look what came in from our friend, Jennifer! You can call her auntie, if you'd like.

Some things just for mama, so she doesn't feel left out of all the celebration. Baby B, you can only benefit from this.

More reactions

2008-09-09T15:05:00.002-05:00

Oooooooo, really! (high pitched squealing sound) (Baby, if you knew Jennifer, you would be so honored. We Jennifers are not in the habit of HPSS)
Another pagan walking around for Sarah Palin to bash (John, who loves pagans)
If you're not pulling our legs, I'm very seriously happy for you!! (Vivian, whose legs I'm in the habit of pulling, so her doubt was justified!)
Hearing the happy news and getting a lump in the throat made for a happy Mon. morning (Barb--see, Baby! You little throat-lump creator!)
...this is probably a gift from Grandma (Donna...whose mysticism you will be most fascinated with)

Your Weekend

2008-09-08T18:00:00.005-05:00

You goofy kid. What a weekend we had! On Saturday, the air was clean enough to hit the Watkins Mill trail (oh, blessed, pollen-free air!). Your mama had enough of the indoors, so off to the Mill we went.

Williams Creek Lake is nice place--Baby B, what a great walk. About 4 miles around, we had a pretty good time looking for hickory nuts, pawpaws and watching for herons and pterodactyls ;-)

I'm not yet an expert at estimating how much to eat before leaving on trips. Halfway around the lake I thought, wow...we are just starving! At 3 and a half miles, you and I had a seat on a bench while dad jogged back to the car, and then drove around to pick us up. Your dad--he is something else. You will find that out soon enough. I know that your initial residence will be with me, but your dad is so, so excited about you, and already so defensive on your behalf. We are just too lucky to have him! If you're a girl, well, you'll be a daddy's girl, I just know it. If you're a boy, what if you look like daddy with my coloring? I can see you two, pals, sitting on the edge of the lake.

On Sunday, we hit Swagats again, your dad smirking while I ate another plate of chicken tikka masala (one of his favorites, but until recently, not one of mine!). I hadn't thought to shop for maternity clothes, but we checked around on Sunday...really, I just wanted to look for stuff for YOU, little one! Photos to take for you, organic cloth to sew for you...I am your "just add water" slave.

Because it felt so good, and there was another thunderstorm to wash the more pollen away, we headed out again for a walk around the lake.

The storms, overnight, changed the woods from a cool scent, to a more humid, humus-infused air (we think this is a good smell that tells us the story of how fertile this land is!). Ephemeral streams emphasized the meaning of their names by going from this on Saturday:

To this today (Monday):

And then of course, there was the need to notice the small, beautiful things, just like you!

First Prenatal Exams

2008-09-05T17:52:00.002-05:00

Baby B--guess what! So far, we are O.K.! We met one of two possible midwives that will escort you into this Outside Place, and she--as well as the entire office--is so darn cool. Good vibes all around, Baby B, good vibes--did you feel them, too? Your daddy and I decided that we didn't mind that this group was out of network. Two of the OBs in this group were recommended to us by mama's primary care physician, as well as a friend from work who said, "Dr. ____ was so wonderful, it made me mad that I wasn't having anymore children! His bedside manner made me want to have another baby--"

High praise indeed! And the midwife--she doesn't think your parents are kooks for not wanting X, Y or Z. We won't get into specifics, but everyone is entitled at a chance to experience birth the way they want, don't you think? I wish everyone could...we know how blessed we are to have what we have, live how we live, and be with YOU! We can't wait. And this midwife, I just know that emergencies aside she will help us bring you into this Outside Place with bells on and all those other welcoming ways.

The best thing today? I heard your heartbeat, which was wonderful, strong and I can't believe it--inside of me! Baby B, we underestimated your persistence at Being, because you are closer to 10 weeks than the 8 we estimated. You are officially the size of a kumquat!

Long day, but breathing

2008-08-29T17:05:00.009-05:00

What a day! Your mama, in an effort to keep your environment as pristine as possible, stopped taking her allergy and asthma medication in January. It's been happening slowly over the past 5 years, but by January '08, mama was on very few meds and doing just fine. And then August, '08 hit, capping off "Summer of the Seriously Ugly Ragweed."

Baby B, we had to go to acute care today so mama could breathe again. I don't like these weird medicines any more than you (leuko-tryings, inhaled powders, STEROIDS? no way), so I'm taking it one minor-med at a time, but we need the oxygen, you and me.

So far, the azmacort and rhinocort are all we need, and I am using those with the lightest possible hand. I don't think I will need even 1/2 as much medicine as they predicted. We are staying indoors as much as possible, to avoid exposure. What a rotten deal--I hope when breastfeeding, there is SOMETHING of use passed onto you, other than killer badminton skills and a disdain for lists. I promise, if you have allergies, we will figure something out so you don't have to take all these meds, too.

On the flip-side of things, mama has already gained 7 pounds, and its only week 8 with you, Baby B! Can you add Vietnamese food to your list of "ways to add girth?" Thanks a bunch.

Feeling guilty about the breathing-thing,
Mama

Telling the parents

2008-08-26T23:00:00.005-05:00

Dear Baby B,

We told the grandparents and several other people we know. Here are some reactions, guess who:

"Oh my god, you are not kidding me! You are not kidding me! Are you kidding me? How did it happen? You are not kidding me!" (Lola)
Cue deep inhalation of breath (A. Megan)
"I am tickled, but not pink! (Grandma)
Claps hands over mouth while chewing granola bar. (Dana)
Lots of jumping up and down. (Gennie)
Me: Guess what!
Sharon: You're pregnant?
(Baby, A. Sharon is psychic--don't mess with her!)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (A. Gail, who loves vowels)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (Melissa, who might love vowels, but actually referred to it as a peal of excitement)

Baby B, you are much loved already!

On eating

2008-08-23T16:08:00.008-05:00

Baby B--what gives! We go to one of our favorite restaurants in KC, and all you can say is "Meh." to mama's shrimp and chicken noodle bowl. You're killing me, Baby B. But at the studio, you were all "Oh yes, can I please have some more?" of Gennie's can of sardines, which, if you had consulted the history of mama's dna you would very specifically see "Does Not Like Sardines" written on said code in permanent marker. I blame your Lolo Basuel--he has a thing for those oily fish. If not him, then the cats have already installed their remote control device in-utero. All I can say to that is "Happy Trails" because in your life, many a cat will pass (blame your dad- the-pied-piper for that).

But all is not lost because, lo and behold, Indian Food is A-Okay! Now, convince dad that we need a personal chef from Swagat. I'll back you up--totally.

Other "NO" foods that normally sound OK:

Lost Trails Root Beer
Most anything sweet
Raw Food (salad, smoothies)
Korean food
Italian food
BBQ
Mexican food

YES foods:

Sheridans malts
Cereal
Oatmeal
Seltzer water, plain
Cranberry juice
Indian food (good for you!)
Biko
Broth

So, I'm sensing a bland carb-pattern here, which doesn't seem so very surprising since my sense of smell and taste are currently heightened to ensure that I don't eat anything terrible for you. From an evolutionary standpoint, simple carbs and lots of water pose the least risk, don't they? Despite all that, you really do make exception for Indian food. Are you an Aryuvedic Baby?

Mystical Grape Tree of the Springs

2008-08-20T17:00:00.001-05:00

Baby B, we've been working hard this month, preserving tomatoes, peppers, and apparently...grapes! We didn't work at all, really, to grow these grapes, but what a fantastic turn-out. I know it may or may not be the same with you, but see all the energy we saved with these low-maintenance grapes? So, if you decide to have some issues, we have you covered. It will always be okay for you to be you--take your time, live deep--speed is not necessarily of the essence, unless you're trying to escape an elephant stampede. In that case, trumpet and run away!

Ethnically Enriched

2008-08-15T23:00:00.000-05:00

Hey there, Baby B! Just so you know, you did NOT want to be Ethnically Enriched. I know, I know, you would have given it the ole college try if it hadn't taken so long to reach the festival. We had no idea that it would take that long to drive to Lee's Summit--pretty long drive, there. You seemed to like the Indian food booth, and after that, it all went the way of the dodo. Next year will be better--maybe they'll still use those funny "Ethnic Parking" signs again, and we can have another good laugh.

We're Pregnant!

2008-08-09T15:50:00.000-05:00